Insane Things My Period Would Say if My Uterine Walls Could Talk

Periods are literally never fun. There’s no frolicking on a beach, twirling in a tulle skirt or running with puppies off into the sunset- that delusional portrayal couldn’t be further from the truth. When you get your period, you want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and enter a coma for the next 5-7 days. But, alas, we’re adult women with shit to do so we have the storms.

While we fight the demon off in whatever ways we can, like some sort of warped female warrior period survivalist, our uterine walls have something to say (and often do) in retaliation to our efforts. Here are some of the insane things my uterine walls would say, if they could talk:

“SURPRISE I decided to show up early! We had such a great visit last time I simply couldn’t wait to see you again. Are you happy to see me?”

“I know you’re on a date right now but this seems like a good time to think about that one time you were sad and cry about it- in front of your date.”

“You seem awfully chipper today. Let me just contract your uterus in an appalling manner to make you forget all the reasons you’re happy.”

“That was a great workout! Now let’s get some pizza. No really, you want the pizza. You earned the pizza. Holy shit you just ate an entire pizza. You’re savage.”

“I know this is really inconvenient timing, but your bowels just called and they want to immediately evacuate all occupants, especially that pizza. Don’t make any plans for the next two hours. Good luck!”

“I think I’m done here. See you next month! SYKE! Just kidding. Sorry about your new favorite underwear.”

“Kittens really are the cutest thing ever. You should probably cry about them. A LOT. For no reason, whatsoever.”

“That outfit is so cute. Is it new? Oops, sorry! It seems like we’ve sprung a leak down here!”

“I know you’ve only been wearing your tampon for an hour and you’re stuck in traffic with zero ability to change it right now, but it’s all filled up. Sorry about your upholstery.”

“OMG did you see the way your boyfriend just looked at you? He definitely thinks you’re fat. You should probably pick a huge fight with him right now. I’ve got your back.”

“I know you’re thinking about your ex today so now would be a really good time to play that Adele album on repeat while stalking his social media accounts and sobbing at the pictures with his new girlfriend.”

“Yikes. Your face is pretty greasy lately. You have more pimples than usual. You should probably stop eating so much pizza. And you definitely can’t leave the house looking like that.”

“Really? Those sweatpants again? Are you giving up on life now? Get your shit together, Carol!”

“You’re looking a little bloated this month. Did you stop working out?”

“Remember your boobs? They’re about to cause you some real grief in a minute!”

“Psst. You look comfortable on the couch watching Netflix but I’m sorry to tell you that a baby dinosaur is about to start thrashing around down here. Better grab that heating pad!”

“Look at the bright side- at least you’re not pregnant!”

“But next month I might come late just to freak you into thinking you are pregnant. Wouldn’t that be a funny joke?”

“Well, it seems like my work is done here. Don’t miss me too much when I’m gone! I’ll be back soon enough. Kisses!”