Douching and Other Things You Should NOT Subject Your Vagina To

The mysterious vagina. She is so introverted and subtle in her movements. So small, yet so powerful in her ways. Treat her well and she will reward you with exquisite pleasure so great your eyes will roll back in their sockets for eons. Upset her, and well, she will put a pox on your down-stairs house.

In order to stay BFFs with your favorite girl, be sure to stay away from these well-meaning, but strictly prohibited illicit activities.

The Douche:

Don’t do it, use it to describe the dude who stiffed you with the check last week

Number one: Your vagina does not need to smell like a flower.

Number two: Douching upsets the very natural balance of your vagina causing a lot to go wrong under the hood.

Research has shown, time and time again, an association between douching and increased vaginal infections like yeast (symptoms: chunky, white discharge, burning, and itching) and bacterial vaginosis (symptoms: fishy odor, yellowish discharge, and burning and itching as well). Both are treated with antibiotics and are uncomfortable, painful, and suffered unnecessarily when due to douching. Douching has also been linked to Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, a disease that can decimate fertility.

Your lady bits actually are self-cleaning, like an oven. You may wash the labia gently with a very mild cleanser, but stop there.

Vaginal Steam:

Dean Martin heralded the power of the steam, just not like this…

It was the Goop article heard ‘round the world; beauty guinea pig, Gwyneth Paltrow, announced that she steams her vagina.

The claim is this special steam cleanses your uterus, balances female hormones, and alleges an “energetic release.” Well, everyone can have their opinion, but here is what the doctors have to say about it. The steam may feel good because it increases blood flow to the entire vaginal area and that can be a turn on, but if you get too close to the steam, you can get a second degree burn on your love bits.

I am not sure about anyone else, but that is the exact last place I would want a second degree burn; it is not even worth doing for the story. If that isn’t enough to dissuade you, the steam can actually increase moisture in your lower parts, creating a perfect breeding ground for yeast and unfriendly bacteria (see symptoms above to see how that story ends). By the way, it’s also impossible for the steam to get all the way up into your uterus (which is the point), so save your $50 for a nice mimosa and avocado toast brunch with the girls instead.

Edibles and sweets:

Not a treat for the Va-jay-jay

Some women believe their, um…secretions, can be influenced by putting sweets like honey and chocolate into their metaphorical cookie jar. Do not do this. Again we go back to the unique, perfectly balanced bacteria forest that exists in the vagina. Do not add man-made things into it directly at risk of infection. Leave nature alone!

What you can do to alter your taste profile is to eat a healthy diet, lots of water, avoid smoking, and stay healthy. Some women (and me) swear by a French-inspired tisane (a variant of tea) that reportedly makes your lady parts a little extra yummy.

At the end of the day, a vagina should be left to its devises. Like the Beatles sang, “Let it be.”