An Open Letter to that Guy at the Hotel Front Desk who Looked at me like a Leper when I asked for a Tampon

Dear Front Desk Guy,

Hey. It’s me again.

As if the chance encounter that I’m sure we wish didn’t happen weren’t bad enough, I decided to follow that up with a letter. Not so much as a reminder of how I came to you in full Oliver Twist fashion begging for something to plug up my bloody vagina. But I wanted to tell you that the way you handled this situation was horrifying at best and demeaning at least.

If you haven’t thrown this letter to the floor in disgust, which by the look on your face when you realized that the sanitary product I was looking for wasn’t the Clorox you were hoping it would be, was one that shall go down in the history books.

How you got your eyebrow to touch your chin as your face twisted in horrible anguish from my outrageous request is a skill that should taught in a school akin to Hogwarts.

The true purpose of this letter is to help you in the very likely event that you should encounter another woman who has a vagina like your mom or sister or…any woman with a vagina.

You work at a place where you supply toothpaste. Let me ask you this: Would you rather smell someone’s bad breathe or have crimson red blood all over your white sheets?

I think we both know the answer to that.

So, instead of looking at my needing a pad or a tampon as me asking for some leprosy cream, look at the woman as if she’s just been kicked in the balls. Like, THAT’S how sorry you should feel for her, bro. And then reach underneath the counter, pull out two pads, and say, with a sincere smile, “Regular or heavy flow ?”

Now, there’s an extra step that I have to add leading up to this magic moment.

You have to go to a store which supplies said products and purchase them. OK, wait. I know. You don’t want to be that weird guy looking at pads. No problem. As you are shopping, be on the phone having an imaginary phone call with your girlfriend. Hell, if you want, I’ll even do it and talk you through it.

You can do this.

If you do it just right, this might be a chance for you to maybe get some girls to go out with you. A guy who knows anything about periods is a friend, indeed. And if you just really feel that you can’t be that guy, that’s OK. There are dispensers that you can buy and load them up with supplies. You can just make sure that you keep them filled.

But, I digress, dear front desk guy.

Just to recap: kicked in the lady balls and always have supplies. And work on the face thing. Or at least teach it to me so that I can freak people out like you did me.

No offense,

Corinne Collins